Enough Already!

Post 3 – Enough Already!

People make me crazy. Bad problem for a counselor to have, I know. Despite my best efforts, there are still a handful of things that will send my internal self running up the walls of my office, screaming like a banshee. One of those is people not knowing when to stop working at something. I call this my 95% rule. Let me explain. I have a little blue globe that sits on my bookshelf. I am rather proud of that because it means that in the estimation of my professors, I was recognized as top of my class when I graduated. How did I earn that? By shooting for a 95% of any assignment. Why 95%? That was the least amount of work I could do that didn’t mess up my GPA.

I love telling that story to people, mainly because I get the absolute best looks from them. Those looks almost unanimously say ‘Why am I paying this crazy and lazy person again?’ Once they calm down, I ask them to consider my 95% from a return on investment standpoint. If it takes me 2 hours to write a paper that gets me a 95%, my return on investment (investment = my time here) is 47.5% an hour. If it takes me 4 hours to write a paper that gets me a 99%, my return on investment is 24.75% an hour. That is a significant difference (-22.75%) but it is actually worse than that. Me being me, I DESIRE to work hard on the assignment, so I will shoot for that 95% regardless. This means the first 2 hours are going to happen no matter what. So, realistically, the 3rd and 4th hours only net me 4%, which is an abysmal return on investment of 2% an hour, for a difference of -45.5% an hour.

Now, at the time, I had a new born son, a wife, a house, classes, a job, and practicum/internship hours and paperwork to complete. That meant I was BUSY out my fool mind, all the time. I assure you that I could use that 2% investment to better use (as I was in grad school, probably writing another paper at 47.5% an hour or skimming required reading). Especially considering that a 99% did NOTHING for my GPA that a 95% did not do just as well. It just did not make sense to me when I saw most of the people around me putting in all this extra work for next to no return (sorry grad school friends!). This is especially true when you factor in that humans generally get better at things with more practice and therefore become more efficient. Basically, what this means is that I could put in the same amount of effort (or less) that used to get me a 95% and expect to get a 98-99%. Seems pretty silly to put in more work right? Yet, I saw and still see some truly brilliant people do exactly that...all the time. So the question becomes why in the name of sense would anybody do more work for little to no reward? Well, read on for my take.

In American, we believe firmly in the idea of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. There are times for this type of hard work, like a doctoral defense, a music gig, a work presentation, or a job interview, assuming these are worthwhile goals. Meaning, I tend to agree with the sentiment of working hard but that hard work needs a purpose and to have a decent return on investment. Many times in my office, I have talked with people who have bought into the lie that working harder at something is intrinsically better. They do not have a purpose for their hard work beyond they feel like they should always be working harder. As much as I believe in hard work, it is foolish to spend your limited time and resources on something that is already completed to a satisfactory level. There is no magic prize for being the hardest worker. There is no reward for doing something ‘best’ in most situations. Going back to the examples above, if the musician with the gig has the piece down cold, unless they WANT to practice, why bother? If the interviewee has done enough work to be ready, why keep stressing about it? If the doctoral student….never mind. I’m not sure you can be prepared enough for that. *grin* The point is in most regular life situations we can either spend more time getting 4-5% or we can spend that same time getting 95%. And I know which one of those wins from an absolute amount of work getting done perspective….

Now, back to where I started the post, with people driving me crazy. Generally, it is not the person who is working so hard that makes me crazy. It is their parents, or spouse, or grandparents, or whoever taught them they have to work hard to be accepted/loved/valuable. That is such a painful way to live. From this person’s perspective, it makes perfect sense that if work gets them value/love, more work gets them more value/love, right? So what do they do? They work more...and more...and more...and more. The biggest issue here is that work is a tool like anything else. It is there to achieve a purpose or to get you something that you desire. It is NOT a way to prove you should be loved or valued. This tends to lead to people spending 10 hours on a paper that they could have completed well in 2 hours. Their value is tied up with working harder so they are unable to let themselves stop when the task is completed well enough because it can never be completed well enough to get them loved/valued like they need to be loved/valued.

This leads into the topic of value. In particular, let us talk about perfectionism as it illustrates a lack of value very well. Once again, I tend to define perfectionism pretty specifically. To me, the best way to describe this idea is to imagine a high jumper aiming for their personal record (PR) jump. It is high, it is hard, it takes work, dedication and tears to get there. This high jumper finally makes their PR jump! Then, at their moment of triumph, perfectionism slaps them down. ‘You suck. You should have done more. How could you have not done X, Y, or Z?’ This pattern repeats itself over and over again, with that bar being set higher and higher every time. Until people quit. Then perfectionism pulls the dirtiest trick possible. It lowers the bar back to the original goal and lies with ‘See, I’m being super reasonable! I just want you to be a success! Come try again! This time it will be enough!’ And promptly slaps the person down again. What is the problem with this whole scenario? I gave you the answer at the start of the paragraph. This person does not understand what makes them valuable. They believe the lie that they are valuable for what they can DO, instead of being valuable because they are a person made in God’s image (I may get into this at a later date, we will see). Which means they allow abuse (from self or others) that is completely unacceptable. Please note, I am NOT saying that somebody else abusing them is their fault. I am saying that people who are being abused by themselves or by others generally have some options to help stop the abuse. Now, let’s try this again with the person having intrinsic value. They go for their PR jump and make it! They celebrate! They think...hmm, can I do better? And then they plan how to meet that new goal. They miss that goal many times but eventually they reach it. And they celebrate! Note how they are still performing well and growing. There are just no self directed beatings (perfectionism is us talking to ourselves remember), no unreachable bars, no being depressed, no unkind words. Just hard work, growth, learning, and acceptance of self. Even if they never set a new PR jump, they can still take pride in their hard work and what they accomplished. Their value is not on the line because they simply ARE valuable.

So, lets talk about how this all applies to real life. I tend to use examples I have run across with clients because that is easy. However, this time, I will be the example. I have been trying to write a weekly blog. I got one blog post done and was happy with it. Then I tried to write a second one. It did not go well. I was being a perfectionist. I could not actually talk myself into posting what I wrote because it ‘was not good enough.’ I let myself get paralyzed by my fear of what others would think about me as opposed to remembering that I am valuable just for being me. So, I didn’t post anything for 2 or 3 weeks. I had it done. It just sat there. Which is the other usual outcome with perfectionism. We do not try or put ourselves out there. And allow me to assure you, nothing gets done when we do not try. One of the podcasts I listen to poked me about this (Heavy Lifting with Ravi, link to the episode here) and I went ahead and just posted what I had already. Fast forward to today, a week(ish) later. I am pleased with what I write even if I struggle with grammar and punctuation. I am learning and growing. I am getting reps in with writing (aka trying hard), even if it is not the best thing I have ever written. That is enough for me. I can be content with that.

Principle here seems to be that trying hard, in a wise manner, is enough. If we let ourselves be valuable, we try hard, and we keep learning/growing from what happens, then we generally can reach where we want to go. Additionally, it allows us to be content where we are at, instead of unhappy because we want to be somewhere else or we are beating ourselves. To me, this is actually what ‘pulling yourself up by your bootstraps’ means because it means that you will continue to improve. When we improve, good things happen either in our personal, professional, or spiritual lives. Try hard, remember you have value, continue to grow towards your goals, and good things tend to follow. It works pretty well for me and I have not run across many situations where it does not work out. If you disagree, tell me about it! I want to learn and grow after all!