Shut up! Listen up!
Shut up! Listen up!
The art of listening is dead. How many times have you felt like whoever you are talking to is just waiting for you to zip it? Or put it this way, when is the last time that you felt like somebody was truly engaged with what you were saying? That they were on your side and trying their best to help you make your point? If you have never experienced that kind of listening, it makes you feel incredibly important and valued. It feels so good, it can be almost addicting.
Unfortunately, this type of active listening is rare. The skill to be an engaged, active listener seems to be dying in our fast-paced and sound byte oriented culture. This is sad because being an active and engaged listener is an incredibly valuable skill for just about anybody. Imagine a manager that takes the time to actually listen to their employees and their ideas. Or a parent who puts their interpretation of the world aside to try to understand where their teenager is coming from. Or a husband who gives his wife his whole attention and doesn’t try to ‘fix’ her feelings when she shares with him. This skill can be applied to just about any situation where relationship is an important piece of the puzzle.
Now thankfully, this skill is not really difficult, it just requires a bit of practice and some basic knowledge. Practice I can’t really help with but I am happy to share my basic understanding. Fair warning, I am a counselor, so that will shade my understanding of how this works. However, it also means that I literally get paid to listen to people. Just information to keep in mind as we move forward. Also, be aware, this is the basic level of listening. I will probably write more about this topic in the future in more depth.
Shut up! And stay shut up! - This is so incredibly obvious I almost want to skip it, but I have seen too many people (self included!) start running their mouth too soon and derail a conversation. Some people think very quickly, and some people think very slowly. Give them the time they need to formulate their thoughts. If you are not sure if they are done, an easy rule of thumb is to wait until you get uncomfortable, then give it a nice slow 10 count before you move on with the conversation. Or ask them where they are at (crazy idea I know).
Look at them/orient toward them/pay attention to them – Once again, very obvious but also very important. Stop what you are doing, look at them, pay attention, and keep doing it until they are done talking. It does not get simpler then this but people tend to think ‘I can listen and *do something else*’ which rarely works out. Show them you think they are important by giving them undivided attention, or as close to it as you can manage.
Put yourself aside (aka do NOT get defensive) – The whole art of listening revolves around you putting your assumptions aside and trying to get a hold of what the person you are listening to is actually trying to say. The best example I have of this is ironically an example of how not to do it. The scene is a meeting between lawyers in an executive board room. The two teams of lawyers show up and end up on the opposite side of the ½ mile long table. One side throws out their idea and *boom* the other side shoots it down like it is a clay pigeon. Then the other side throws out an idea *boom* idea *boom* idea *boom* etc. This is exactly the wrong way to come into a conversation.
Let's change the picture. Both groups of lawyers walk in and sit down on the same side of the table. Instead of shooting down the first idea, the second group helps the first group make their point and lets them get their whole idea out. Then they switch sides, and the second group is extended the same courtesy by the first group. They come to a nice calm conclusion together and shake hands. Now, it would make for a boring movie but it makes for a great conversation. Help the person you are listening to make their point! Do NOT jump on them. Do NOT rush them. Do NOT point out the other person's mistakes. Make them feel like you are in their corner and you want them to succeed.Have an open mind – The idea here is that you need to be willing to change your mind if you are wrong. People generally have an excellent BS detector about stuff like this. If you are not willing to change your mind, they will know and stop talking to you. If you are willing to change your mind, they are much more likely to keep coming back to talk. Keep in mind, you are not the only one with a clue and you can potentially learn from whoever you are listening to, no matter who it is.
The goal is to understand (and prove you understand) - Most people want to be understood. It is just that simple. People want to feel like you hear them and to know you do not think they are crazy. The desire here is that they walk away going, that person really gets me! And this is very possible to do, even if you disagree with them. They need to be acknowledged for what they said and how they feel about the situation. This is NOT about them being right or wrong or if they are accurate. It is about you hearing them and proving it. Some simple ways to prove you understand are 1) repeat what they said back in your wording, 2) ask them to check your understanding when you repeat it back, 3) take responsibility for your part of it (assuming it involves you), 4) acknowledge their feelings of what happened, and 5) put yourself in their shoes and share how that would make you feel (ex. ‘Oh wow! That sounds awful! How did it make you feel?’). I could go on about this for a significant amount of time but hopefully, this makes the basic point clearly.
Share what you think! - This one seems counterintuitive but bear with me. People generally want you to be involved in the conversation. Once you prove you understand what they are talking about, get their permission (something easy like ‘Would you mind if I shared some thoughts on this as well?’) and talk about what you think. Then ask them what they think about what you said. Hopefully, a thoughtful conversation will ensue and the two of you can come to a better shared understanding of truth/the situation/the person/whatever. In my experience, even if you have vastly differing ideas from the person you are listening to, if you listen well, they will generally listen well in return.
To sum this all up, act like the other person is valuable and has a clue. If they are valuable, you will respect them by giving them your undivided attention and being quiet. If they have a clue, you will be listening intently while trying to learn from them. If they are valuable and have a clue, you will show that you heard what they said and invite their comment on what you think about the same topic. This is not a difficult concept, even if the application of it can be a bit complicated with everybody being so unique.
One more concept to discuss before I wrap this up. My lovely wife (who doubles as my proof reader), asked me when she should be doing this type of listening. My immediate reaction was all the time. However, upon further reflections, that is not reasonable, or at least not the way that I lay it out here, which is more of a serious conversation overview. For a less serious conversation, you can trim this down to the essentials. The essentials would be, let them talk, try to keep an open mind, work at not getting defensive (aka put yourself aside), and make sure you understood what they said before you share. Thankfully, most of the essentials are wrapped up in your attitude/mindset about a conversation, which means you can enact them quickly or concurrently with listening and the only part that takes time is repeating back what you heard.
At the end of the day, I struggle to think of a time that I regret listening to someone. Listening helps me learn and grow as a person. It gets me out of an entitled mindset. It keeps me humble. It has helped me with my boss, coworkers, and employees. It has helped me get and retain clients. It has helped me make, keep, and improve friendships. It has helped me have a better relationship with my parents, my spouse, and my kids. Give it a try. I would be amazed if you regret it. But hey, if you can, prove me wrong. I would love to hear about it!
‘Kiah